life of uncertainty

Oozing

Ok, the time has come. I’ve had a thousand thoughts and inspirations running in my head for weeks. I’ve gotten up so many times thinking I’d post a blog entry on notepad and publish at work or wait until I had internet and then get right on it, or maybe it is for a handwritten journal, an email to close friends, a casual conversation.

I don’t think I’ve quite reached the point where I want to take photos in the craft store per her suggestion but I would like to get some things down on paper

My sister vacated her house and I’m now the owner of various sheets of plexiglass. Visions of backwards collages, paintings, cubes, etc dance in my head. Could I be a pioneer or will I learn from “professionals” that plexiglass is a bitch?

My weekend consisted of time and money spent at home improvement stores buying various wall hanging mechanisms to work on making my apartment a home. The lovely G bestowed me last year for my birthday with one of her original pieces and it resides in my closet for safe keeping. It needs a worthy spot. I bought pads of paper at the craft store for collage, or scrap or cards. Today I had a self involved discussion about the difference between craft and art and I don’t care about any of it I just want it out of me.

I discussed with my therapist that I feel like I’ve swung so far in another direction that it worries me. She seems to believe I’m just undammed. I hope she’s right.

Mosaic, X-acto, modge podge, paint, organizers, frames, canvas oh my! Chore charts, reminders for the kids, lamination I want to do it all.

Don’t get me starting on the sewing. I’m already struggling to find a way to organize my house to house my computer, printer and monitor, not to mention my son’s computer and yet I want a sewing machine. I’m sure I’ll have one soon. I’ve already bought a book. I dream of pulling the lovely circular fabric of mine I’ve been saving for 10 years and finally figuring out how to best enjoy it.

The creative juices extend to my body as a prepare to get my first tattoo, designs abound, a chance for someone’s artist vision to speak to me?

Chicken or egg, a visit to our local university’s gallery was an emotional shockwave as I scrolled through dozens of photographs from the Vietnam War era by photographers who died sharing them with us. The exhibit is called Requiem and I highly recommend it if you are a fan of the subject or the medium. On this same visit I experienced the work of Eunice Parsons. I couldn’t help but feel and see dear Gabrielle in her work. Who am I kidding? I can’t see art and not think of her, her love, her creativity, her joy of sharing art with the world. One visit has stretched into weeks of mulling and revisiting my memories as I’ve attended related lectures and just Sunday saw a powerfully moving visit into the artist’s studio. I had to hold back tears as my heart leaps with music in the film, in my house, and a message that was displayed soley for me!

I love summer, this one not so much, but I don’t really want to trade my warm mornings and evenings or the evenings spent in the water but as I know I have no sway I will welcome autumn and the fading temperatures.

So I will let this new me grow and develop. I will try to avoid the normal pitfalls of living for network tv. I will craft, maybe even make art. I will watch films and download music. Family time on YouTube will buffer time in the kitchen baking, routine will keep us in check as we personalize each person’s responsibilities to contributing to the family and the household.

It is all interwined, these lessons of importance, simplicity, love and the awareness that life is so very short, even at 90

September 14, 2009 - 10:11 PM Comment (1)

Connected

Woot! Woot! Woot!

My DSL package arrived today. I will be connected at home for the first time in over 2 years. I am so very flippin’ excited.

September 9, 2009 - 10:11 AM Comments (2)

For Monica… and I hear it was good

I saw this cake awhile ago and was impressed that she gave it a 9.5! I mean how can you see a recipe rated nearly perfect and not want to put it in your mouth?

Lately I’ve been craving sweets. I always crave sweets but for several weeks I’ve wanted soft cookies, cakes, donuts, biscuits, etc. Lately it has been summer, and hot, and crazy, and the house is messy, and stopping at the grocery store is so low on my list of priorities it is embarrassing to mention. Then the cravings for blackberries set in and lately many banana recipes have been tickling my fancy but timing is everything with fresh ingredients so I decided with vacation looming around the corner that I would tackle that cake!

I went to the store and bought the ingredients not already in my pantry. I bought the three cake pans, I discussed the need for the candy thermometer with Monica and I was prepared. I toyed briefly with the notion that being home most of the week with a triple layer cake and only myself and my children seemed like a bad idea but there is no time like the present.

Now my vacation was a little wacky. I had missed more work than expected with my grandfather’s heart attack and was running out of paid time off. I’d promised this vacation to my kids however and was personally very much in need of the down time. To make this all happen I worked a full day Sunday when my kids were with their dad and I worked half a day on Monday so I could take the rest of the week off.

Monday I worked, visited my grandfather, picked up my kids, hung out with them and called it a night. Tuesday I hung out with my dear friend Becca, looking at photos from my parents’ 35th anniversary and using the Internet at my sister’s. It became apparent that the cake would have to wait until my return from the coast.

Somewhere in these few days I got notification that my dad would be down the last Saturday of my vacation and intended to do a family dinner around his family-famous lasagna. This would be the perfect opportunity to make the cake. My family is large and even without all of us in attendance we’d be a good match for the triple layer confection. A late return from the coast Thurs night meant I had 3 helpers for the cake extravaganza on Friday.

We set out to make the cake on Friday so it would be ready for dinner on Saturday. Before swimming we got the baking out of the way.

helpers

helpers

cooled

cooled

After swimming, showers, food and saying goodbye to my nephew I set out to make the frosting and assemble the cake. My son was eager to help with the frosting as well and we started compiling tools and ingredients. It became apparent that my candy thermometer was no where to be found. I searched high and low, E helping too even though he had to keep asking what it would look like. I’d noticed through the evening that I wasn’t feeling so tiptop and stress wasn’t helping. Desperately, I turned to the magnificient Jacob to see if I could borrow a thermometer from him. Thankfully he was home and willing and I threw my kids in the car and drove to his house.

Arriving at home, I realized how horribly unwell I now felt and I was fading fast. The recipe calls for boiling sugar so I decided it best to tackle it on my own. I shewed the children out of the kitchen and set to work. Now Jacob is a professional in his own right and always owns high quality tools. I was impressed and excited to put this thermometer to work. I quickly realized I had a problem, as his thermometer is clever and has a stand to keep the mercury off the bottom of the pan my pan was too large, the liquid too shallow to touch the bottom of the thermometer. I’d already begun cooking the liquid at this point and scurried to find a smaller pan, still too shallow and a smaller pan still… ah, just barely!

Happily I thought “the end is in sight”. I set to mixing my egg whites, keeping a watchful eye on my brown sugar syrup. Everything was coming together or so I thought until it became apparent that my syrup was going to boil over and was not yet near the magical 238 degrees needed. I called my son in to keep whipping at the eggs and kept a careful watch over the syrup, pulling it off the burner at times to keep hot sugar from coating my stovetop. I did realize at some point that while it bubbled and bubbled it wasn’t oozing so I tried to leave it alone and managed to until I had decided enough was enough even though I still had not hit the magical temperature. In the end a few drops of syrup were lost to the stove and a bit dribbled in my mixer but the frosting came together. Actually, I’m not entirely sure that it came together properly, never having made this type of frosting before (I chose the buttercream) and I’m not sure it ever curdled but it looked and tasted right.*

I don’t have a cake stand but I have a nice platter and I don’t have any fancy tools or even an offset spatula but I set to work with my spoon and butter knife. I remembered the trick of doing a thin layer and then chilling the cake before doing the outer pretty layer so I was pretty proud of myself until I realized I know nothing about making any type of design. I did also use frosting to even out the lopsidedness of the cake.

Frosting Phase1

Frosting Phase1

Frosting Phase2

Frosting Phase2

I fell asleep and slept soundly until morning… nope
I fell asleep and woke up every couple of hours to blow my nose, rearrange myself on the bed with my two children and eventually slept on the floor in the living room (I had many houseguests)
I awoke in the morning to the knowledge that I was not well, sleep had not improved my symptoms and lasagna dinner with cake dessert were likely to be unappetizing with my lost sense of smell. I spent ALL day Saturday in bed, waking only to find a tissue and swallow ocassional pills. Fever, cough, runny nose, itchy throat, body aches… oh my.

I did rouse myself at dinner time to sample the lasagna, after all it is my favorite food in the world. In answer to their question of taste, I informed my family that I could tell the garlic bread was salty and that was about it. How sad! I knew at that point I wouldn’t try the cake that night. I was looking SO forward to it. Along with Monica’s addition of cinnamon to the frosting I’d added some to the cake itself. I love Mexican Hot Chocolate and was attempting my own meld of flavors. I returned to bed with the promise they would wake me before cutting the cake so I could snap another photo.

dessert

dessert

I’m not going to lie. I’ve eaten the cake. I think it is good. Do I think it is great? No but here comes the disclaimer and my reasoning for why you should try this cake! Can I taste properly? I don’t think so. Five days later and I’m still sniffly and using tissues at an alarming rate. Spicy foods aren’t spicy, I can’t discern the flavors of my salt water taffy.

My family and friend tell me it is amazing and amusing. I hope that was a typo on his part. The cake is gone. The kids loved it! My sister tells me it went perfectly with the Neopolitan ice cream and that the cinnamon wasn’t overpowering which is good. My dad’s only complaint? He likes the icing better when it is more solid and chilled. I did notice the “crumb” that Monica spoke of and agree it is wonderful. I’ve never made a cake with cake flour before so I am not an expert at its contribution to the texture but I will make this cake again and soon. I feel I’m missing something wonderful here.

Monica, I do have to say that I do wonder how well the frosting came together because I thought it did still have a bit of that “greasy feeling on the roof of your mouth” and I know nothing about how my constant removal from the burner affected the syrup, let alone not reaching full temperature. I’ve considered making this cake again with the frosting from your grandmother’s cake.

August 28, 2009 - 11:09 AM Comments (3)

Teen Angst

John Hughes died… wind knocked out of me. Oh! the wonderful creator of so many of my favorite films. Boo. And so young. And a heart attack. Boo.

The Breakfast Club has to be hands down my favorite, I’ve seen it SO many times. After that ranking is futile - Some Kind of Wonderful, Ferris, Mr. Mom, Pretty in Pink… I honestly don’t believe I’ve ever seen Sixteen Candles in its entirety, and I know I haven’t seen it without commercial interruption.

I’m wondering how amendable my children will be to me doing nothing but watching his films this weekend? The random quotes and beautiful music already swarming through my head.

…and now for a public service announcement… Think about it. Your heart. You only have one. I know I’ve had a hard time putting food in my mouth lately without thinking about my grandpa in the hospital, or my dad (now a senior), or my kids. My body is a mess and it is time to get serious!

August 7, 2009 - 9:28 AM No Comments

Random

I got a new laptop. I’m excited. It is black, pretty and all mine.

Someday I’ll get Internet at home and then watch out!

Addictions - Tetris, Sudoku, Brain Age, RockBand, spicy trail mix, nicotine, Internet, Coke, chocolate, Dr. Mario, television, sugar, music…

Orange and blue have been my favorite colors for quite some time, blue especially. Sometimes my love of orange really surprises me with its intensity

Lifetime career aspirations (then and now) - teacher, fighter pilot, flight attendant, accountant, interior designer, advocate, hair colorist, grief counselor, swim instructor
That is it. The sum total of choices I’ve pondered, even briefly. It feels weird to me.

I am terribly excited about my new orange mouse and the card reader on my laptop

There really is an overwhelmingly positive feeling from tackling the last few classes of my transfer degree, the world is intensely open going forward and tough choices to make

Family - I’m so glad I have it, know the meaning of it and really am reaping the benefits of having such a large one

Over - eat, sleep, worry, smoke, waste time, sympathize, covet, sweat, acquire
Under - exercise, sleep, eat, accomplish, clean, organize, study, simplify, communicate, interact, read, write, shave, focus

pudding so is divine

my house is a MESS!

In all reality I never want to work again, at least not in my current employment but truthfully I know how lucky I am to have a timecard to punch

so much in my head, so little time to divulge

I’m terribly excited to get my first tatoo and yet starting to ponder my choice of bodily location

Sometimes I really enjoy the Freudian slips when proofreading

August 5, 2009 - 1:33 PM Comments (3)

Calvin

I could write all these beautiful things about why I love you and how you fill my childhood memories but I won’t because you are here, you are alive and you must fight!

We are not ready to let you go and I will plead for the gods to let us keep you, they’ve taken enough already.

I believe in you. You are strong. You have so very many people who love you. I love you dearly, Jennifer

my grandfather suffered a major heart attack Monday afternoon and is still in an induced coma so his heart can build strength for the needed bypass surgery, each passing day is tougher to endure but I’m still hoping for the best

July 29, 2009 - 12:11 PM Comment (1)

Bastille Day

Today is my birthday and it is a good day.
I’ve felt lots of love today, some unexpected.
Free lunch, a yummy cupcake, a new bag; what more could a girl want?
So many delights!

This time a year ago I think I was beginning to get into my own stride. I requested to celebrate my birthday with a party at my place, with a variety of friends and family. I spent the fall and early winter thinking, hoping, that just maybe I could have the life I wanted; the one I thought I had. I’ve spent the remainder of the winter and the spring in a really dark place. An attempt to shine some light led to a period of even more darkness but I think I’m on another upswing.

Maybe it is Vitamin D, maybe it is EF.FEX.OR, maybe it is enough distance from all the yuck that I can see that I have to pave my own road forward if I want to accomplish good things in life. I’m not sure what it is but I am grateful.

I’m so thankful for my mostly healthy family (current chest colds aside), my dear, long-time friends who I never stop blessing for being in my life, the growth of the deep, respectful relationships I have with my siblings, finances that allow me to return to school, the light that school sheds on my life in the future, days of alone time with Little Miss, new friends, Happy Birthday texts that start at 5:30 in the morning and last all afternoon, a good night sleep and living another year to reflect on all life does have to offer.

July 14, 2009 - 4:07 PM Comment (1)

Away

I’m heading to the northern Oregon coast tonight or early tomorrow. I’ll be spending the time with my extended family and my kids. I’ll be staying in a cabin. I’ll be spending as much time as possible near the water.

It is a three day weekend for me, about to start in a mere 20 minutes.

I had a fabulous visit with my cousin Derek!

I hope whatever you and yours do this holiday weekend you do at least one thing to feed your soul and you stay safe.

Hasta la proxima,

July 2, 2009 - 1:42 PM Comment (1)

Hijacked!

I know I’ve got nothing on you :-p but here’s my shit…

Friday, I tended the gaping hole that is my heart. This is apparently the “in” thing for the end of my period. Whatever the hell it is, I’m thinking Wellbutrin, needs to take a leap.
I sat on the couch and watched Oprah, then I put my kids in front of the television and slinked to my room for a nap. I desperately wanted Straight From New York but had to keep my pocketbook in check… Hell, this is going to be a long one! I’m moving it over to my blog…

Sorry Chey, I knew I’d be long-winded one way or another so I figured I might as well get the mileage of a blog entry out of it. LOL!

I could no longer ignore the guilt of letting my childrens’ brains become mush so I woke myself up, dressed us, and took us out for dinner at the buffet. We had an ok time. My daughter ate little, I didn’t do too bad and I think it was mostly stress free. I can barely stretch back in the recesses of my mind. For the life of me I have no idea what we did when we arrived home. I’m thinking bed because we had to stop at Hellmart for a birthday gift.

Saturday we woke up. I may have engaged in some cleaning. I can’t be certain. I do know that at some point I did declutter my “bill corner” on my kitchen counter. Hell, I’m not sure why I am even bothering to write this now.

My weekend consisted of a trip to Albany for my niece’s recital. Back to Salem, sat around uncomfortably at an 8 year old’s birthday party. I didn’t know him or his family so I felt I must stay and hover. It was a bit awkward with Zoe in tow as well. Left party and spent a few hours at my grandparents. I tried to stay engaged for my son’s sake. My sisters had left for shopping and I had no company until my grandmother awoke. Eventually after killing several hours visiting with family we went to dinner with family. My children were hellions and I was stuck in a corner. I hate going out in public and feeling the need to apologize to everyone else in the restaurant. But hey, dinner was free :-)

Went home, watched Rugrats Go Wild and put us all to bed at 9.

Got up yesterday morning at 4:30, 6:30, 7 and finally 8:30. I had some quiet time on the couch before my kids woke up.

We ate cereal for breakfast together, as we had Saturday morning. I did some tidying, if I didn’t do it Saturday. I wrote out a shopping list and enjoyed a thoroughly too rare conversation with my best friend. We dressed ourselves and headed out for grocery shopping. My kids did very well indeed! I however, was a horrible mom and forgot to feed them a snack beforehand and ended up with a sad, depressed little princess. We ran home, deposited cold foods and grabbed a quick bite. We headed back to my grandparents for round 2 of family time. After eating we left the boy and Little Miss and I headed to another store. I picked up the last few items on my list, a couple things I hadn’t planned for and forgot something I needed. The highlight of my weekend was running into my Spanish professor/friend. I haven’t seen him in some time. I adore him, to put it lightly.

Quick stop at auto supply store, wrangled daredevil princess and headed back to grandparents. My sister, cousin, nephew, son, niece and I played the world edition of Monopoly. Which is wrong by the way! Debit cards? I don’t like it.After a visit with family we headed home around 6:30. My sister M came with us. I started the 1st load of laundry of the weekend. M kept me entertained/accompanied/and lent a hand in the making of my first batch ever of homemade soup. Now that I’ve made soup, a pureed soup actually, I don’t know why I was so imtimidated. This could be a nice new chapter in my life.

At the late-ish hour of 10om I rounded up my kids (more tv vegging), threw a 2nd load in the washer and drove my sister home to Albany. We stopped for gas and for storage containers and I made it home shortly after 11 with 2 sleeping kids. After I deposited the kids in their beds I set about making the vegan goldfish. I was determined to accomplish as much as I could last night because I had spent so much of the day not doing what I had wanted.

Round 1 - Goes to the crackers! Their oponent uses the wrong measuring spoon to add baking soda

Round 2 - Goes to the crackers! Sabotaged by flood! Better known as “Did I measure something wrong because why else is this like soup instead of dough?”

Round 3 - I am triumphant! It was a little dicey there for a bit. The hour was late, the parchment paper nonexistent, or so I thought, but I persevered. I think maybe the gods/ddesses were trying to tell me something but I refused to listen.

I settled into the couch around 2:10am. I was already hooked on a “mystery” edition of Dateline so I stayed until the end. I packaged the crackers and climbed into bed at 3:15am.

I awoke slowly this morning around 7:30, so very thankful I have such a flexible schedule. I worried a little about getting through the day (my stomach and I have a hard time getting along when I don’t get enough sleep). It has been a very pleasant Monday. I’m working at a slow pace but I’m engaged, awake, and about to call it a day. I’m managed to avoid caffeine, nicotine and much sugar. I think I may need one or more of those to make it through the rest of the evening but I’m cool with that.

I’m a little stressed about the state of my kitchen, or my house in general but I know that time spent among family, downtime, food for my house, soulfood for those I care about, and a sense of community will get me through until I get my Moxie back. And sometime soon, Moxie in my blood will get me through until I’ve got more energy for all the rest.

June 15, 2009 - 4:10 PM Comments (2)

I can’t seem to find the right words…

I guess this is just a dingy that I’m hanging on to. I’d say for dear life but that seems a little dramatic.

The last week has seemed so very dark and dreary despite the positives. I’m hoping I’ll capture a little of the positive essence by posting this list and smelling my candles… I’m having deja vu

- I’m very grateful that I have the money to replace the food lost by leaving the refridgerator door open all day yesterday

- I’m grateful that my super large chai has 3 servings of milk so I can focus on the servings of Vitamin D and forget about the rest

- Today is Friday and payday and I get to leave early!

- I’m glad it was free to watch The Black Dahlia

- I’m excited to go to my niece’s tap recital tomorrow

- I have the money, friends, and support to go back to school

- I’m buoyed by the circle of community I have around me, there is so much love, so much togetherness. I just want to soak it all up! I’m sorry the circumstances but oh so glad I’m getting to know these wonderful ladies on new, exciting levels.

- I’m very glad that a friend finally came over so I can stop obsessing that I smell :-p

- I’m thankful for the help folding laundry

- I’m thankful that I’ve not lost all hope on having a meaningful relationship some day

- Some days I am so very grateful the Internet exists I can barely stand it

- I’m very grateful I have health insurance and for that matter a job

- I’m also very thankful that my job, while boring, is not the horror it use to be

- I’m grateful for my close friends who I know will always be there

- I’m thankful for my children, who brighten my day, make me laugh when I don’t want to, and who so very honestly keep me going

- I love how sometimes, when you are lucky, repeated listenings lets an artist grow on you

- I’m so very grateful I’ve learned to get past the texture of prunes, or dried plums as they seem to be called everywhere these days

- I’m grateful that Moxie finally kicked me into gear a little before the molehills became mountains

- I’m grateful that I have the resources to help out friends when they need it

- I’m glad I have music on my phone, computer and cd that I can put on. Music is truly one of my bestest friends and I’ve neglected it for a long time

- I’m so very happy that Conan O’Brien does what he does

- I’m grateful for the lift lists give

- Today in particular I am grateful for Advil and cranberry pills/powder/juice

June 12, 2009 - 11:16 AM Comments (2)

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