life of uncertainty

I’m being honest with myself, and you, and stating that I have been attempting a reconciliation with my husband.

It is hard, it is easy. It is sad, it is funny. It is nerve wracking and loin quivering and… I could go on and on but I won’t.

Today I’ll just say this: I’m feeling good. I’m standing my ground but I’m not overly hopeful. I feel like this can be nice for a few months but will never become anything. I really, really, REALLY want to be wrong though.

I leave in roughly 30 mins for my first marriage counseling appt. I’m scared to death he just won’t show. I know it will be all on and about him if this is the case but it still takes my breath away.

He warned me. I didn’t listen. I had to check for myself. I need stimulation. This is my desperation.

I’ve always thought I look some what masculine. I don’t know why exactly but I do. My face, my internal voice, my stature. They have confirmed this to be true ;-p

The first photo I uploaded was a bad picture, the only one I had at work, and I am wearing my glasses. They showed me a picture of Rosanna Arquette, wearing sunglasses. On the lower percentage end of the spectrum they said I look like Avril Lavigne. Those who know me know there is no need for words. But in the full specturm, aside from 2 other random women, I look like men, men, men!! All of them wearing glasses! I was suspect. I tried again.

Second verse, same as the first…

Ok, actually upon reviewing it isn’t quite as bad. I resemble a young Judy Garland, Sharon Stone (young and not crazy), and Raquel Welch (I guess maybe I do have strong facial features). But Howard Dean? Pete Doherty? Keifer Sutherland?

I find the whole thing quite fascinating. I can see in the first match that my glasses and my very apple-y cheeks influenced most of the matches. In the second, I see it is my crooked, slightly open smile dominating. I am SO exactly the type of person that would spend all day taking dramatically different pictures of myself and running them through just for fun! As nothing struck more than a high 60% resemblance, I find myself drawing the same conclusion anytime I have been asked this question. I look like no celebrity I can readily think of.

So I spoke to the good acupuncturist about my tension rising when I’m getting needles in my back. She let me know that only very rarely are needles inserted into the bottom of feet. She seemed quite amused that I was being a bit obsessive about it and was curious as to where this was stemming from. I explained my theory that it is just that I am more tense when I’m on my stomach because I can’t see where she is. She explained this is common and that people have many different desires for their sessions. She also explained that there are some people who prefer to know exactly where each needle will be inserted. I assured her I was not that person. She said we didn’t HAVE to do needles on the back so we would try something different. And we did… I got needles in my ears! I was surprised this was a spot where I had almost no feeling going in but out was different. I still think I am just losing the ability to sneak up on my body as my hands seem to be more and more sensitive. Overall though I feel my stress and energy levels are up but my back just seems to be playing tug of war for championship of most troublesome location.

Good god, I feel I should almost delete this post as I have almost bored myself to tears writing it. I won’t but I apologize in advance… or wait, isn’t the apology coming a bit too late?

My body and I are on an adventure together, we have been for many years of course. Currently, our adventure consists of massage, chiropractic care, yoga, daily stretches and now recently we have added acupuncture to the mix. We’ve adopted this routine to deal with the back problems from a car accident several months ago.

As I lie on the table with pins in various parts of my body I don’t know what I am expecting really. I wonder if every sensation is caused by the sharp needle or if they were there all along and I’m only noticing because of my forced obeyance. During my session last week I cried as the last needle was inserted, only out of emotional pain. She had asked a question of me before leaving the room and I am not sure if they were connected, coincidence, or very contrived.

I’ve only had 2 sessions where I’ve had needles in the back side of my body. Today I found myself very agitated, bad tastes were making themselves known in my mouth and I began salivating much too heavily for my liking. I’ve discovered I don’t care for needles inserted near the base of my left thumb because my muscles contract. I also don’t care for needles being in my hands while lying face down because I’m convinced I’ll somehow bump my arms against the table or my torso and insert the needles further.

This foray into acupuncture was a huge step for me. I don’t care for needles in the slightest. I do admit that many are inserted without one ounce of feeling, but not all of them. While I might not recoil I am getting pricked. Over time I think I am becoming more wary and therefore more tense during insertion. I suppose I should share some of that with the good doctor.

Lying face up with needles inserted is a much different experience for me. I believe today was my 4th session. I’m not at all worried that she’ll insert a pin somewhere too sensitive (bottom of my feet freak me out the most). I can lie more comfortably. I find myself amazed that I’m able to drift almost completely off and find myself breathing more deeply than ever. I like that it is a practice in meditation of sorts. Maybe I also like that when I’m treated on the front of my body I can usually leave my clothes on. There really isn’t much more humiliating than those hospital gowns and I dare say it is even worse when they are too small.