I know there can be lots of arguements for when L&O, in any of its incantations, jumped the proverbial shark but last night's SVU episode just drove it home.
Both straight up L&O and SVU had warped variations of cops being suspected of out right murder so people could leave the show. How lame.
It is probably some sad commentary that I felt enough about this to post as an entry. Sue me.
This has been simmering in my mind's back left burner for some time. I haven't been sure the proper venue, proper medium but today's the day because the juxtaposition has reached it's crescendo.
Since my pregnancy with my son 8 years ago I've been at odds with my body, society at large and the medical community. Well not since my pregnancy, maybe since always but definitely spotlighted once I had a child growing inside of me. God, I can already tell this will be an interesting adventure getting this all out because my head is spinning.
Like P, I am not sure where my thoughts of midwifery came about exactly. I guess by the time I was pregnant with my son I had already met Holly so it probably started somewhere back then. I remember her giant round table in her school and the beautiful pictures of babies, bellies, belly casts and belly art. Funny how my near total rejection of femininity for so long has turned to such adoration. I do remember reading an article about a home water birth in some magazine while pregnant with E. It sounded so appealing and yet I thought not for me. Again like P, I tied it somehow as the necessity for uninsured and yet as a luxury for people that owned their own homes and had spiritual/revitalizing living spaces. I felt convinced that my little one bedroom apartment was not the place for a water birth. With this conviction I felt that a CNM was my best bet, I thought it would isolate me from the typical medical births I feared and also give me the protection of that back up MD and assauge the worries of friends and family.
Long story short, as this is not really the point, having a nurse-midwife did not give me many of those things. My weight was treated during my pregnancy, decisions were made in kind, and I had an induction before due date that led to cesarean that led to a 2nd cesarean. I struggle with all that this has meant in my life. I still question the what ifs, the what maybes, I still mourn. I still wish I had know better, then. Spring forward to 2005 and I'm pregnant again. This time I swear it will be different. I will not let someone decide for me what my body can and can't do. I have hope. And I have a great allies, great support. Through my dear friend Gabrielle I've met someone who will be a great resource and support on this journey, and actually I meet lots of amazing women and organizations along the way but I'm speaking of my midwife, P. It has been life changing really. I've enjoyed learning, being challenged, meeting unattended birth super moms, witnessing the arrival into the world of darling Clem. I found a power to stand up for myself and demand that people look past my size and my "weaknesses" and give me a chance. I faced fears and I put in the effort. It is the beginning on a new path. I still suckle at the bits of information dangled in front of me, always a bit timid to really sink my teeth in. I still balk at things that seem too "out there" but even that is a learning experience. I feel like informed choice, trusting birth, using intuition, making choices for my specific family are all things I've always embraced. I've long let being open-minded=non-judgemental but I'm learning those aren't the same and working towards letting my judgements fall the the way side. It has been hard to drop the judgements, especially of myself. It is hard sometimes to know if I'm doing what I'm doing to repair the replaying of the past events or out of a true desire to support and awaken new minds. It is both I suppose.
and then comes the other side of the coin. Also through P I "met" E. I was shaken to my core over both the beauty and the tragedy of her life with her daughter. It isn't often I'm up against that kind of pure white hot emotion, in the written word of a stranger. And I dived into this community as I've mentioned before. On top of all I've learned about myself, parenting and counting my blessings I've learned so much about these people. I've learned how grieving is the same and yet very different. I've learned about new sensitivities and complexities. I've been exposed to birth, death and everything in between. I've seen the way we label everything to include and exclude, the way we place value on # of weeks, # of hours, # of children. My heart breaks. I want to jump up and down and shout about how I wouldn't be that type of friend/family member to dismiss and ignore, and that I would be that friend that continues to ask about your babies, continues to remember that this date or that may be difficult for you. I read about these "freak" accidents, conditions, infections and I feel the suffering and it all feels so senseless. And it is. And my mind starts to spin, I feel pulled from one camp to another. Do I trust my body or do I trust that bodies fail? I know it isn't as black and white as that and I know that they are more related as well. And please forgive me now if you've lasted this long because these are just thoughts, internal struggles, wisps of ideas I'm trying to sort for myself. Is all this more about our culture's way of dealing with death than it is about birth? But they are so intertwined so... For today, maybe it is as cynical as the medical perpetuating myths and hiding truths? If only so simple. I've been reading here and I am wowed. There is such beauty that has grown from the grief. And I am loving the provocative soul searching that inspires in me. Today in particular spurned the entry that has been brewing for so long. As the day, and a lunch break, have worn into the day I'm losing cohesive thoughts. I feel I'm floundering in the final stretches but they certainly are the least formulated parts or the entry wouldn't be necessary.
I wish that I could have a great big get together and get all these women together. I'd like to hear the ongoing dialogue between us all. I'm curious what one stance feels about the other. And I'm not looking for arguing, heated debate, low blow "I'm right, you're wrong" type stuff. True dialogue, true give and take. I feel like "both sides" (for lack of a better way to distinguish) are really on the cusp of very powerful, important changes to the way our society lives.
Because I don't know who exactly will read this or when please know I am not opening up my space, or those I've linked to hurtful, extremist messages or bashing. This is all meant very respectfully in my mind. I am just curious and searching and honoring those I think have value to us personally and society in large. And this entry was written free form and unedited with the exception of making sure the links work in case something is just plain unintelligible. Everything starts small right?
Dreams for this site....
1. new color scheme
2. some pictures
3. links to all the fabulous places I visit
4. putting some focus back into my weight loss trials/goals
5. having an ankh somewhere
6. title stays the same, I think it continues to fit me
...and in other news
no tax refund, lots of sugar and the last night on this current fortnight of solitary parenting may make tonight very interesting. I hope my children want pb&J, quesadillas or mac n' cheese for dinner because I'm not even interested in food enough to pull those off.
Went to help out at my son's school today, I hate how awkward I feel in those types of social settings. It was nice to be outside, have a few minutes with my kid and feel helpful in some way. A late afternoon lunch on a dry, somewhat sunny day make these last few moments here so long.
I'm getting my hair cut again tomorrow. I'm quite addicted to this short hair thing.
Hasta la proxima!
I can feel that I am getting more bouncy, really. I can. I guess as the highs get higher it is inevitable that the lows feel really far down?
My soon? to be ex informed me last night that he is pursuing some sort of hook up with some person half way around the world. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm self hating. I'm perplexed. I'm swollen.
I know there is some progress, the "why can't he do it for me" stuff came much later after everything had sunk in and is only very slightly hanging on rather than drowning me. But what happens next I'm not sure will ever go away. The "why can't he do it for me" has mutated to "why can't he do it for them". And while I can't say that I'll ever forgive what he did to me that seems more likely than me forgiving him for what he's doing to his children. I try to focus on what I'm doing to/for my kids and that I DO have a lot to offer and that I can counteract a lot of it but it still pisses me off. How was I so blind? What did I really think he had to offer as a father? Father, father, father!!!! (He hates that word) For him I think it was an opportunity to procreate, make some sort of personal statement about the one that has new parents, and to feel like he surpassed his father in the games. I know I shouldn't be analyzing him. But honestly, when your father is a deadbeat it isn't that hard to pull ahead, and when you do it still takes you leaps and bounds to be in the front running for Father of the Year!
Why and how I really got to this position really has me searching. I guess it really came about when I got pregnant with miss Z. I was all hormonal and giddy about having a baby and even though in shock about the logistics of it all I just plunged ahead and somewhere along the way got myself in a very oblivious zone. And now I'm in this trap of not wanting to be a bitch, not wanting to be immature but really no matter how many of the loving, healthy, important people in my life tell I'm not if he thinks it I'm stuck. Is this all really just about appearances? Am I really that bothered that some stranger that I will likely never meet might take his side and find me offensive, bothersome, pathetic? Yes, yes, and yes!
I've said on many occassions that it really hurts that I've lost my title. I was so giddy about having the husband/wife labels and I really never thought I would be. "This is my son, E. This is my daughter, Z and this is... J". I can't really say that I'll be excited to hear ex-wife inserted before my name but at least it is something. It does bring up the interesting last name thing for me. I won't ever do that again, I'm looking forward to regaining my name. Interesting how easily I gave my offspring his. I just assumed that the automatic connection I had for my children would be there between the kids and S too. Oh the assuming...
I don't have regrets (many at least) but how things would have been different if that decade ago when our sexual incapatability reared its head I'd walked away. Or the times he came home drunk and I cried in my friend's bed I'd walked away. Or the time I called it quits on that street corner and then begged him to take me back he'd said no... It is a sad, sad pattern of clinging to some false sense of feeling special when he wanted me and being left with my own demons when he didn't that I hope to learn and grow from. Even now I want to be wanted for all the wrong reasons. I guess this really is the beginning of digging out of the hole. sigh...
What must it feel like to:
breathe deeply when your hackles are up?
choose to relax and enjoy an activity rather than sink into disconnectedness?
enjoy your job, most of the time?
have a home filled with beautiful things that nourish your soul?
have open dialogue with your friends in the worst of times, not just the best?
eat to nourish your body, not your emotions?
have a truly saving savings account?
be loved and cared for in a true companionship?
remember what ectasy feels like?
to be able to see the path?
to be in touch?
to not always be wanting?
Most of these are what I feel I'm truly missing, some I have some of the time, the questions remain the same.
AAARRGGHHH!!! I feel like pulling my hair out today.
Thanks to all those that were able to support financially and those that I know supported me in spirit for our walk on Saturday.
We had about perfect weather, dry, cool and then warmer but not too much. I had a great time walking with coworkers, current and former, friends, and kidlets.
The walk took us through a couple beautiful neighborhoods and I was sorry I didn't bring my own camera. I think that tending the little miss and the sheer energy it took to lug my overgrown body and her stroller around was enough to distract me however.
As a team we raised a fair amount for the org but the walk was really more about honoring little Ava Leigh.
Here is a photo of the munchkin and me. Hopefully soon I'll have access to other photos taken by the group and can post a team photo. We enlisted a third party to take some group shots but apparently he was not technologically savy because he only managed to capture 1 of 4 shots he supposedly took. Oh well 