auspicious coincidence

Yes, I called you. Maybe you won't notice my number there in your missed call log, just as you won't ever read these words.

My initial assumption was that you were either asleep or out. Now, as I write this, it occurs to me that you could have been ignoring my call. I sort of doubt that, but nonetheless I find the thought of being an intrusion to you rather saddening even though I myself was glad that you didn't pick up the phone. Yes, I called you, and yes, I'm relieved we didn't speak.

It begs the question why one might call when one doesn't actually wish to speak, doesn't it? I was about to explain that it all makes sense somewhere in the recesses of my mind but then I realized that it really doesn't. I was acting on a whim and the relief was more base than that. Seems like sticking with the raw stuff wouldn't be so bad once in a while, although it was the raw stuff that got me into so much trouble in the first place.

I told someone that was interested in me today that I wasn't interested. I became nervous afterward, wondering if perhaps I'm rejecting a good thing for the wrong reasons. I want my heart to dance and sing and to write novels and bad poetry. To bake cakes and make delicious meals and to walk in the rain without umbrellas. I want spark. I want inspiration.

Why does that bring me to be calling you? No reason, really. Where I am just reminds me of where I've been and thinking about that is a hell of a lot easier than looking at where I'm going or being here in the now (although I might consider being here in the now in the future).