auspicious coincidence

...taken out of context I must seem so strange.--Ani DiFranco

Excerpt from an email to a friend: 

I may be misunderstanding you but I wouldn't argue that looking at the world with a childlike sense of freshness and amazement is the same as indulging in ignorant escapism.  I wholeheartedly agree that there is magic in the everyday and the mundane and it seems to be that children are aware of that.  Language doesn't necessarily capture the concepts properly, but typically bliss is viewed as having some kind of transcendental quality, as being somehow different or better than our normal day-to-day experience.  The thing is, though, that there isn't anything other than normal day-to-day phenomenon despite the shifts in our experience.  It is like being stuck in that crowd at Times Square--sometimes it is enervating to be amidst all that electric human energy whilst at other times it is frustrating or may feel claustrophobic and often how in tune we are with our environment in that moment affects it.  Buddhism distinguishes between true joy and tenderness than bliss that arises with the comings and goings of phenomenon--but again there is a semantic issue given that we are working with translations because you will also hear phrases like pure-bliss wisdom so from an lexicongraphic perspective it can be very tricky.  A crude way to distinguish between the concepts I'm labeling 'bliss' and 'joy' might be the difference between that most ecstatic fleeting moment at the height of orgasm and love for someone that cannot be revoked, love that remains steady and unwavering in the depths of our heart no matter what occurs.  Ecstasy is ephemeral but true joy can be tapped into anywhere, in any circumstance, no matter how painful those circumstances might be.  Even in concentratation camps people managed to fall in love. 

I could say more but alas I must pretend to work and words fail to convey what it is that I'm trying to say, anyway.  Besides, it's all rot for me on a personal level since I experience very little bliss in my present life and even less joy.  From an objective perspective I can see how rich and wondrous my life is but I no longer experience it and until I let go of the things that get in the way of my actually feeling say how amazing and beautiful and magical it is to watch Norbu grow, for example, then I'll be like an outsider looking in.  It feels like a memory, experiecing joy, even though in the background it is happening now (there is no other time but now, really). 

I have come to the realization that it is my profound disappointment in myself and lividity over having made what turned out to be a bad relationship choice that is interfering with my ability to move on.  I've grown to accept the loss and even the fact that I miss him, but I have not yet accepted the fact that I could make such a terrible choice.  At present I do not trust my own judgment, partly because I cannot accept impermanance.  If I could accept impermanance I wouldn't be so damn hard on myself because my judgment or lack thereof would no longer be an issue because the fact that the relationship didn't last wouldn't mean that it--the connection--wasn't real.   

I feel like I threw away years of effort and training as a practicioner to pursue bliss, knowing all along what a foolish choice I was making.  And now I am an alcholic having falling off the wagon, seeing the wisdom in the path of sobriety but without the strength to put down the bottle.  I thus fill my life with other things, hence the empty and meaningless quality in my life.  The path still exists, and the wisdom to walk that path still exists.  It is mustering up the courage to "just do it!" as both the great Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and Nike have exclaimed.  I'll get there, eventually.  For me there isn't anywhere else to go (that's karma for ya, baby), even if I am taking a rather meandering route to get there.