lojong
The lojong slogans give me some comfort when I study them. I've been working with the slogans that are dedicated toward the transformation of bad cirumstances.
Norbu isn't well. He's miserable, in what appears to be agonizing emotional pain. I've failed him.
Eric spoke of me about his unborn daughter's karma. We all have our own karma, and Norbu has his, but still, I feel responsible.
I asked a lama for a divination regarding the nature of the karma between Norbu and I and the response was that Norbu was once my grandfather while at the same time my teacher. What fate has befallen us both that I am his tormenter and that we are both tormented?
That same lama told me in a separate divination that seven lifetimes ago Padma was also my beloved but that I hadn't trusted him. Trusting him in this life would allow me to clear that karma. I don't know whether or not I've failed at that. What is it that I'm supposed to trust? Do I trust what Padma and I initially had or do I trust in what he says now? Am I just to trust in him in general, along each step of the way? I long for him and yet I relish that it is over simply because I can't face another disappointment from him. Should he ever again offer more, I know that it will be for real because he guards his every word to me with the utmost care so as not to promise anything that he can't deliver to me ever again. I need his friendship and yet in some ways I wish that I could never speak to him again, or at least never seek him out. I don't want to need him. I don't want to need anyone. I don't want to need. Passion, aggression, and indifference: the three poisons. My passion for Padma is turning to aggression which I beg myself to allow to become indifference when all three are equally lethal. Someday I'll wake up and I won't think about him anymore. I've started to hate him, but when I allow myself to really contemplate that hatred I can see that it is just an angry black cloud with no real substance.
I'm working a lot, working very hard at work as well as working on some jobs on the side to earn extra money. The dissolution with Padma was economically disastorous and Norbu's medical care is a long-term burden. I've realized, also, that Norbu and I simply must move into a bigger apartment for our sanity. I am now convinced that our living in too small of a space is increasing our difficulty. We each need some sanctuary. I want to move back toward the park but should probably remain close to work for Norbu's sake. I don't have money to move but if the space is a problem then I can't afford not to.
This extra work means less time for Norbu, but it also means less time to dwell on my broken heart. I've decided that I must change my schedule around again even though I am enjoying it because I think that the afternoons need to be more stable for Norbu. I think I shall try to start getting up long before Norbu to tackle exercising myself and the dog and hopefully meditation before Norbu wakes up in the morning so that I can return to having my afternoons free.
Finding a way to close this entry is too much of a burden. I could write forever as I have much to say, or rather much to process. I could feel the dam bursting forth as I sat this morning and contemplated wishing happiness for myself. I had to speak to myself as if I was a separate person because otherwise it was too painful, like reaching out to myself through a mirror and cutting my hands on the glass as it shattered. Although it still hurt, I suppose there was progress or at least motion. Fluidity, flexibility, that is what I need. I want to abandon my fixed reference points, my fixed mind that has decided who I am and who I should be. Who am I doesn't really matter, and yet I am utterly convinced that who I am is the most important thing in the world.