processing
I still have nothing that I wish to remember but so much to process that I can't think straight. I've long thought that it's my vajra neuroses that I found so uncomfortable but in actuality, it's the karma. Mind spinning, dizzying busyness like the static between radio stations or that low hum that speakers emit when the stereo is on but nothing's playing.
I'm processing my split with Padma, the one that I said that I wasn't going to talk about. I'm processing the fact that I honestly thought, for a short while, that I had found my fairy tale ending. In reality, there is no fairy tale ending for Norbu and I. Our karma has put us on the most steep and winding and treacherous path available to tread, and we simply must get through it with the strength of those teachers that have fled Tibet amidst great peril and our other kindred, counting our blessings that at least most of our difficulties are mental and emotional and that in some sense or another, we are safe.
My last last one told me that I was too selfish, that I couldn't yet be trusted to look beyond my own self interests to advocate on his behalf. I wasn't quite mature enough, it seemed, to differentiate enough between our separate interests to ensure his well-being with the same effort as my own. The latest last one has said that I was the opposite, too selfless, unable or unwilling to protect my own interests with the same effort that I would put toward his or Norbu's interests, giving up more and more, settling for less and less. (Not too tight, not too loose.)
The last last one was too much the man for the space in which I dwelled, and the latest last one, by his own admission, too much the boy. (Not too tight, not too loose.)
Where now, do I go from here? Recognizing, of course, that there is no other place than here and there is no other time than now. What if I were satisfied with here, or at least satisfied with here for now? What would that be like?
I want to move again but for many reasons it seems it would be best to ride out my lease and move at the end of the year. How do I make this situation tolerable, or even enjoyable, until then? I'm mentally splitting the time into three sections so that it seems less overwhelming: from now 'til the end of the school year, the summer, and Norbu's return to the classroom until the end of the lease in mid-December. Smaller chunks seem less frightening. (Funny, I feel the same way about food).
In addition, I'm going to let myself somehow acquire some material things that will make the housing situation more comfortable. Half of my apartment is the kitchen so perhaps a pot and a frying pan are in order. We can't really eat anything that can't be eaten cold or simply warmed in the oven at this point. Perhaps some diversity in our dining would make our experience a little richer for these next three periods of life.
Also, a television. I haven't been a television watcher the better part of my adult life but Padma had some habits that I joined him in when we lived together. I could ride out the better part of this year distracted by baseball. It's familiar. It's comforting. It's something I could do at home on my own. It could be my favorite player's last season.
Why allow myself to be distracted by materialism as part of my bid to survive my personal trials and tribulations? Materialism is very ordinary. I need to just experience some ordinariness in my life and conserve some energy for what lies ahead. I need to heal. I have to be there for Norbu on his journey to sanity, a journey he seems to have started. I need to do whatever it takes to let myself cheer up, whether its baseball or lollipops or noticing blooming daffodils or crocuses just pushing up through the ground. Ordinary things. Ordinary things are amazing, but you have to pay attention to them in order to notice how awesome they truly are.
That was so a natural close but I have one more thing that I want to let my fingers dance across the keyboard to say. I, of all people, have asked my parents to move east. Naturally such a move would take time, but perhaps the distant future holds a family that I'd actually see more than an hour here and there once a year, sometimes even less. How different my life would be, eh?
I wish that I could live my childhood over with my adult eyes, appreciate its gifts in what were its present moments, rather than spending so much time wallowing in my childhood angst. I hope that I can have some time around my father where I am actually happy. He's never really known me as happy, which is all the more reason to cheer up.
...I've never really understood how much it is that I live for other people. I want to cheer up for Norbu or for my father. In the past I kept myself alive for my great-grandmother Lucy and for Jigme and, more recently, for Norbu. I have so little will to live for myself, so little desire to cheer up for myself. How funny that I've been so painted as such a selfish bitch, when honestly, no one other than my father or my therapist seems to recognize how little I care about myself. I must remember I am one of those sentient beings: May all sentient beings be free from suffering and the root of suffering.
I have a million more words to say, especially on this issue of selfishness versus selflessness, but I simply must get ready for work. Time flies when you're exorcising demons, even though it feels like time has stood still.