hero
Amazing to perhaps only myself, I am definitely feeling better. With every warmer day my heart feels a bit lighter. I almost feel confident enough to pick it up and touch it now.
I've felt more positive and optimistic about the future over the past few days, feel less attached to any one particular outcome, and feel like good things could come in more than one way.
I went to therapy a couple days ago and the experience was fairly unpleasant. I spent part of the session feeling like a sassy teen-ager with a chip on her shoulder, angry and misunderstood, getting caught up in the details of his analysis rather than focusing more on the gist of what he was saying. The whole experience was vaguely reminiscent of a feedback learning session, his language like that of Mildred but peppered with Buddhist metaphors and anecdotes.
He eventually told me I should chose a hero to emulate, someone that has the qualities that I would like to manifest and to begin acting as if I were that person. "Pretty soon," he said, "you won't be acting anymore." I thought of a teacher that I admire, someone I find infinitely patient, compassionate, and kind, and decided to give it a shot. I caught myself starting to slouch as I meditated yesterday and thought of this person, remembering the quiet dignity he radiates in a hall full of meditators, and I straightened up. I found myself becoming frustrated with my wandering mind and imagined how he might put his mind back on the object of his meditation, presumably with gentleness unaccompanied by commentary. Later, I thought of Norbu and his troubles and the compassion and loving-kindness I'd like to make available to him and I imagined my hero's steady patient confidence in the basic goodness of all sentient beings, including those that are wrestling with Norbu's sort of karma. I imagined him as unfazed and disciplined in his path as a parent, facing the challenges of parenting with a strong back and an open front. It has been helpful these past few days to think of someone in this way. I think that despite my intense devotion it has been challenging to practice without feeling that connection to a living spiritual friend and that this idea of choosing a hero may very helpful in that void. In any case, it's helping right here right now, and now is the only time that matters.