starving
I've grown weary of my own depression, but still it lingers on like a guest that has overstayed his welcome. I've fought these battles with depression off and on for over 20 years now and had thought that I had finally reached this crucial point in my life where a so-called remission could not end, but I was wrong. And now, past the point of blaming others for my own misery, I have found that I am ashamed that I have evolved into this beast, or rather that I have let this beast overcome me. I didn't even know that depression could be this painful. If I make it through this I have vowed to help someone else get out of their own cyclical hell. My therapist said that person should be my mother, and that as someone who has taken the bodhisattva vow, I'm probably her only hope.
I wouldn't have thought that being kind to one's self could be so difficult. I actually have to force myself to do pleasurable things. I have lost my lust for life just as Jigme's baby has lost her ability to self-regulate her own appetite. I'm just going to have to slowly stretch my heart open wide enough to let something beautiful in, and as silly as it seems, it's going to take some effort. I hope that I can mother myself as well as Jigme mothers Zoë because I am truly starving.