softening
I'm in a better place than I was when I last wrote. Something seems to have shifted or softened. In that space I seem to have come to more of a resolution with Padma, which is extremely heartening. However, should I become too attached to any sort of resolution I am going to end up right back where I started. Also, Padma and I are waiting to more fully discuss our potential understanding until I return from visiting my dearests in Michigan next week, so it's not like we've fully discussed the issue at hand and I have been very easily derailed these past several weeks.
I'm trying to work on noticing how and where I am, working with the spin outs that happen approximately ever 42 seconds or more. I'm trying not to obsess on my future or my finances or my paranoia that I'm becoming someone who's head is slightly too big for her own body as I lose weight. I'm still about four thousand dollars short for Norbu's summer camp, plus there's family camp and a conference that I want Norbu to accompany me to at Disneyworld in April. With the exception of family camp most of these expenses related to Norbu will ease my tax burden next year, but that doesn't put the cash in my pocket to pay for them in the first place, plus there's the ongoing cost of medical treatments that insurance isn't covering. (Speaking of which, if anybody needs any help with any SAS programming such as data manipulation, analysis, or reporting please contact me!)
Today we head off to practice martial arts in the distant and far off land otherwise known as Brooklyn. After regular practice there is supposed to be a special Shaolin meditation practice given only to meditators. I have absolutely no idea what I'm in for with such a practice but if karma is bringing it to me I shall consider it auspicious coincidence.
I just became spontaneously choked up as I wrote that. It's time to get curious, to investigate the shenpa, to lean into those sharp corners. Here I go in the here and now, not yet awake but working with shaking the dream.