ruin
I do nothing in my life that I glean any pleasure from, except perhaps those few flutters of tenderness that occur when snuggling up with Norbu to read a bedtime story.
Did I ruin my life when I responded to him on Craig's List? Was there any way I could have known I would have turned out to be this person or that he'd turn out to be that person? I had more fun with him than any other man I've known, and now he's 20 blocks south and three avenues east and I'm stuck here among a plague of uptown rats just trying to figure out what in the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've spent the last few days trying to come up with a plan in which I feel that I could move forward without Padma, given that I'm unhappy here and that this apartment is, unfortunately, not conducive to much in the way of any future situation, whether it be with Padma or without. My new therapist completely burst my bubble and now I feel that I'm left not knowing what to do, only knowing that I am alone and that I'm somehow supposed to be okay with that. Well you know what? I am not comfortable with uncertainty, and I don't feel like I will be for a very long time.
I don't think that the Vidyadhara lied to us. I think that it is possible to cheer up, but this "just do it" instruction isn't working out for me. With all that karma family energy that I have in times of stress, do, do, do, you'd think I'd be able to take action on behalf of myself, but I can't. I'm simply paralyzed.