the giving tree
- I had Klonopin and a triple-shot soy latte for breakfast. How about you?
- I just ate pizza and salad for dinner with Norbu. My stomach feels like there is a rock in it.
- I feel like crying but the tears won't come.
- 2006 was sort of a bust for me.
- 2005 was actually better than 2006, I think.
- Losing a five year relationship that wasn't ever going to go anywhere is apparently more comfortable than entering into a new relationship that actually could go somewhere but probably won't, anyway.
- Fuck it.
- I'm so goddamned tired of being everybody's mom.
- I'm going to have to go back to emphasizing the hinayana with my studies. I'm not feeling all that compassionate toward all sentient beings at the moment.
- Instead, I feel like The Giving Tree, only more broken-hearted than the tree because it's obvious to me that I've given too much.
- Guess I forgot that I was one of those sentient beings.
- That book has always pained me so much to read it that reading it actually makes me feel nauseated.
- No wonder I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin these days.
- I want so much to start my life over in more than the metaphorical sense.
- I want to start my life over again so much that I wish that I would wake up 17 years old tomorrow and just make different choices for the next 15 years.
- I'm too young for a mid-life crisis, aren't I?
Comments
Hi, this is my first time to comment on ANY blog site, so I don't know how it goes..
Anyway,your anguish breaks my heart
Sometimes when I am sad it is for no reason, but still I feel sad.
Today is my birthday, give me some of your sadness, I shall convert it into ultimate joy and send it back to you.
Today is warm in Melbourne, the sun is shining, a flotilla of balloons flew over our house at dawn, I got up and went for a swim.
It is not possible to give too much, but when you feel that it is all too much, send it to me.
I will let you know if I can't bear the weight.
Posted by: Dr Chris | December 29, 2006 08:53 PM
Chris,
Thank you so much for your infinite kindness. Remembering that you and all my sangha brothers and sisters are there really does help. It challenges my sense of self-importance and it reminds me that there are people out there who's path it is to give more to others than themselves which in turn helps me to feel safe in learning how to better send out what I have that's basically good to the world , breathing in my own neurosis and sending out sanity. I was never very good at doing tonglen for myself and my meditation instructor would always tell me that doing tonglen for myself is exactly what I should be doing. Very soon, I think, when I get out of here and build that new environment of sanity around myself, I'll try again. If I can just get through the next few days, I feel like I can be a Buddhist again. Right now, I'm definitely a refugee. I need someone to stand next to me, even if only in spirit, and call my name. No matter who the preceptor, I know that my name came from the Vidyadhara and that it was no mistake. I just need to allow myself to hear his voice.
...And maybe take a Shambhala tour of the world and stop to see all of you that have made my life better even in the midst of my self-induced karmic hell. I should make a map and dot the world with Great Eastern Suns and strokes of Ashe to remind myself that you are all out there so that I can look at it and breathe it in when I feel alone.
Posted by: the girl | December 30, 2006 12:29 PM
" If I can just get through the next few days, I feel like I can be a Buddhist again."
You can get through the next few days...and you are always buddhist, sweetie, even if you don't feel it now. We are all buddhas. I will keep you in *my* tonglen practice (which always starts with myself, otherwise I, too, end up feeling sucked dry. I totally relate to that. and my MI once told me that I couldn't DO tonglen for others until I could do it for myself. This practice stuff ain't easy).
{{hugs}}
{bows}
{sending vibes of you seeling the Great Eastern Sun again soon}
Posted by: zenchick | January 1, 2007 10:14 PM
The Giving Tree is the most painful book ever written (not that I've read them all).
Posted by: heather | January 5, 2007 06:08 AM