slow
I just made my cold-brewed coffee way too strong, which is not to say that it's really too strong but rather that I made it stronger than was really necessary. With the ratio of toddy to water being about one to one, it is not surprising that I feel a sense of excitement coming on. Actually, truth be told, I was already feeling pretty excited. I just did a kundalini yoga workout followed by a hatha yoga workout which left me pretty energized, and then as I sat down with my beloved coffee I clicked open photographs of the Sakyong and Semo Tseyang, shifting the screen toward Tak so that she could marvel at Semo Tseyang's beauty. Someone very generously has offered to pay for my ticket to the wedding events as a birthday present which not only leaves me basking in the excitement of a looming adventure but also means that I can relax a little knowing that the ticket is taken care of and that I can concentrate on securing airline tickets for Norbu and I instead. I have learned that flying between Halifax and New York isn't that cheap, but I'm feeling optimistic that it will all work out somehow.
I can hardly believe how busy I've allowed myself to become as of late. Forced myself to become, perhaps. During the morning's kundalini workout there was an exercise in which you are supposed to draw in the things that you need, and I worked on drawing in buddha spaciousness. I flashed on the feeling of boredom and irritation I felt in working with buddha energy over the weekend, and wondered briefly if perhaps buddha energy was something I really wanted to draw in. I realized that I have to face my irritation with boredom in order to allow myself to really connect with buddha wisdom. It's funny to me that there have certainly been times in my life, especially when I was doing a lot of Shambhala Training and sitting meditation, that I've been really grounded and connected to that energy and I wasn't particularly irritated by it at all. Perhaps that speaks to how my life has shifted. Although I am a much happier, cheerful, and stable person, and although I have long filled up with my life with more things then one would think could possibly fit, there does seem to be something qualitatively different between what I'm experiencing now versus what I was experiencing then, almost like when I was able to cultivate more buddha (in the relative sense; I can see my ex laughing at this as he reads this!) energy in my life I was less happy than I am now.
This is becoming so complicated that I'm beginning to lose even myself. I have no idea how you all made it through. Gurkmukh says to find your edge and go past it, not stopping even when you want to stop. Ironic as it might seem, I need to go past my speedy edge so that I can truly learn to slow down. Maybe that doesn't really sound ironic. I have no idea about anything anymore, but I no longer care. I feel happy this morning, and I'm just going to rest in that.