auspicious coincidence

Trying to relax is such an oxymoron, but in my case relaxation requires effort at the moment. Or exertion, as the case may be.

I have decided to use this little step out of my daily routine to not only allow myself to rejoin the ground rather than perch myself about it as if I were no longer human but to also begin to touch back in with where my priorities lie. I have become addicted to stress in order to maintain enough energy to keep myself going, acting as a mother and father while Nyensa Chödpa was away, working, and trying to process all that I need to process and so on. Now I have this opportunity to step out of that situation for a moment and recommit myself to the things that I feel are really important, and to figure out how to tie up the remaining loose ends of the commitments that I am cycling out of without crumbling like a house of cards in the mean time.

I am partly doing this by quite simply trying to take care of myself while I'm here, which to some might seem extravagant or indulgent but to those who really know me will probably seem well past their due. I'm eating healthy foods and exercising as well as taking time to wander aimlessly and to just take in the scene here. The magnolia and cherry trees are in full bloom, and my desire for a fresh start seems to be well supported by having just stepped into a fullblown spring.

I went swimming last night and found that I have lost some of the progress I made with learning to swim. I spent a few minutes feeling heartbroken about that, but then just got back on the proverbial horse and kept practicing. As I type that I realize, however, that getting back on the proverbial horse may sometimes be my problem because I can say with my own experience of spending a childhood on horseback there were plenty of times I should have taken a break before I remounted my trusty steeds. I need to learn to welcome and nourish space in my life, which might very well mean taking a vacation rather than forcing myself back on the horse when I am not sure where I am headed. A horse senses your every emotion when you are mounted on his back. Remounting and taking your seat while you are feeling shaky and unsure of your desire to be there is just going to instill that feeling of shakiness and uncertainty in your horse. Instead why not give yourself the space to relax and tap back into your primordial confidence so that when you remount your horse you transfer that feeling of confidence instead?