flow
I've been typing out a stream of consciousness and erased it but I'm starting a new one now. I'm such a control freak. I have been feeling fragile since she touched a trigger point to the right of my spine near the middle of my back. I am paranoid. I am lonely. I irrationaly fear I have been replaced, that my friends don't need me anymore. My desire to hear from him is like an acid boring through my head, the pain becoming more and more acute now that my skull has disintegrated and the acid has reached my actual brain.
I borrowed a sweatshirt from a relatively new friend when I was out late one night and didn't have warm enough clothes. When I came home I wanted to keep wearing it just so that I wouldn't feel alone. I even wore it again once, the next day, for the same reason. I had to cut myself off.
There's nothing really wrong with me, but the stories are very convincing. She--my ego--is a compulsive liar. All I can do is try not to sucked into her melodramas, but I find myself tossing a coin to her sob story only to see her on the train again three weeks later, telling the same story.
Being a perfectionist is about the worst possible fate because you're driven toward a state that doesn't exist. True perfection is rife with flaws. Perfection is just as empty as the rest of it, at least in the way that ego trip defines it. I meant to write that as "my ego trip." What an ironic Freudian slip.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and the thing that I am hoping for in this moment will have happened. It's possible, you know. Anything is possible.
Normally I'm plagued with doubt rather than hope. I'm going to pretend like it's a pleasant change rather than a set up for certain disaster.
I am going to go meditate now if for no other reason than to prove to myself that this emotional state isn't some elaborate way to convince myself not to meditate.
I'm exaggerating, of course. I can think of other reasons, but have elected to keep them to myself lest listing them be yet another excuse not to meditate.
Comments
"I am going to go meditate now if for no other reason than to prove to myself that this emotional state isn’t some elaborate way to convince myself not to meditate."
This is perfect. I don't know if anyone hears it the way I do, may be insights are COMPLETELY subjective - same words mean different things to different people at different times. But right now, I am going to log off and go sit.
Posted by: Al | April 30, 2005 09:31 AM
Thanks for sharing. A wonderful writing practice, which I haven't done for a long time, but enjoyed and benefitted from back in the days when I did it daily.
Posted by: Matt | April 30, 2005 11:33 AM
Great fleeting commentary...feels like my own thoughts at times...like bubbles floating out of my head and into space.
"There’s nothing really wrong with me, but the stories are very convincing. She — my ego — is a compulsive liar. All I can do is try not to sucked into her melodramas, but I find myself tossing a coin to her sob story only to see her on the train again three weeks later, telling the same story."
So many ego musings, all very convincing, though we know it is a lie, so easy to get sucked into. Why do we do this, and then do it again, even though we know her slippery ways???
Posted by: Meredith | April 30, 2005 01:12 PM
the perfectionist urge, i know so well. it's such a strong habit for me, and it seems so insidious. instead of enjoying or being curious about my experience, i can endlessly pick it apart, envision something just a little bit better or a whole lot better, and sit in endless judgment and resistance to what's going on - to the most subtle depths... I really wish I could see what the subtle current of energy was below those story lines, where the subtle feeling was in my body that underpinned that habit. Even if I couldn't put a name on it then maybe I would have more of a hope to catch it in the act, before it became the droning commentary on what could be better. :(
Posted by: owlmonkey | April 30, 2005 04:08 PM
Thanks, guys.
Al, glad I inspired you to sit. Hearing that made posting the entry with it. I bet I'll even get a tiny shred of merit for that. ;)
Meredith, I can't say for sure, but from what I understand the Buddha had a few ideas. ;)
Mr. Owlmonkey (I'm pretty sure I remember your name, but since you took it off your website I won't use it): I like the idea of being able to see it all like that. Sounds like fodder for a science fiction movie. Have you ever practiced any Mahamudra? It's a practice that gets at exactly what your saying--extremely cool.
Posted by: the girl | April 30, 2005 04:13 PM
thanks for this post...it reminds me that I'm not the only one who struggles with these things (because that is one of *my* ego's stories...)
In putting it out there you are not only making an opening for your own transformation, but for ours as well.
Peace, honey.
Posted by: zenchick | April 30, 2005 11:07 PM